Saturday, July 19, 2008

First Monthy Test

It's July 19, 2008 and my first monthly blood test was Tuesday the 15th. My levels were less than 2 again and I was so relieved. I continue to watch my body for signs that the cancer has returned and find myself preparing for the worst. I go about my day, sometimes two in a row without worrying, but it's always there, lurking right out of sight. I know I have nothing to worry about. The "tumor" didn't fully penetrate my uterine lining, my CAT scan was clean, chest x-rays clear, so chances of spreading were minimal as is the chance of a recurrence. But with research pointing to 85% of all recurrences happening the first 18 months and the other15% happening before the third year, I feel I have just cause to think about the possibility. And I know that I'll continue to think about it until I've passed the three year mark.

As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.

I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.

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