Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A New Arrival

Well, my due date has come and gone and God certainly blessed me in more ways than one. He gave me peace of mind, so much so that what July 21st was, was only a passing thought full of light wishes for what it could have been. The real excitement began the next day and as Terry said to me during a conversation, "I think our loss is someone else's gain," and it was someone else's gain and it was done only in a way that God can. My half sister was born three weeks early on Tuesday, July 22, 2008, just one day after my due date. We all know that sometimes due dates give or take a day, but how awesome is it that God chose to have my sister come into this world on a day that would mean so much to me, as a mother, and as her sister. I believe this is one reason for the utter peace that He blessed me with. I am so excited to meet her when she comes home from the hospital. And as a friend emailed me when she heard my good news -' God has placed a baby in your path to love and adore'- He certainly has, a baby I can spoil and send back home to our dad.

One thing I have thought about, what if everything with my pregnancy had gone according to plan, my baby and my sister would have shared the same birthday, if not close to it!!!! How fun would that have been.

But . . . I think it worked out better this way. God's plan is always the right plan.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

First Monthy Test

It's July 19, 2008 and my first monthly blood test was Tuesday the 15th. My levels were less than 2 again and I was so relieved. I continue to watch my body for signs that the cancer has returned and find myself preparing for the worst. I go about my day, sometimes two in a row without worrying, but it's always there, lurking right out of sight. I know I have nothing to worry about. The "tumor" didn't fully penetrate my uterine lining, my CAT scan was clean, chest x-rays clear, so chances of spreading were minimal as is the chance of a recurrence. But with research pointing to 85% of all recurrences happening the first 18 months and the other15% happening before the third year, I feel I have just cause to think about the possibility. And I know that I'll continue to think about it until I've passed the three year mark.

As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.

I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.