For those of you who like me where thrown for a loop this past week while reading my blog and are now considering yourself spelling challenged, I've found the answer we've been looking for. Thanks to a dear loving friend, I was laughingly informed that the spittle pooling onto my pillow the other night is spelled d-r-o-o-l. Aaaahhhh, let's all take a moment and slap our selves in the head while saying "DUH!" out loud!!!
"DUH!" (slap). For those of you not participating, don't judge us, you just happen to have a better spell checker than we do!!
Spelling challenge conquered, let's move on. Just hours after writing my blog the other day- here's a God moment- the doctor called to see how I was doing and during the course of the call we discussed our options if this new treatment doesn't work. I was given two choices -1- a hysterectomy that will be followed by a few more chemo treatments, or -2- more intensive chemo that will result in a hospital stay, that will most assuredly make me bald and beautiful and sick as a tee total dog. Not quite and easy choice, but knowing that sometimes the best decision is the hardest, Terry and I have opted for the hysterectomy. It took me a couple bouts of crying and a little time to come to a complete understanding and acceptance that I may never give birth to another child again. During this time, I receive a wonderful piece of advice from my new friend who sent me my cherished pin, she wrote, Angela don't forget God is a miracle worker and he can drop your levels to 5 with one treatment if it's in His plan. So true, God can do whatever He wants and if it's in His plan to cure me without surgery, He'll do it, I have no doubt about it. Yet, that intuition that hasn't been wrong yet through this whole thing is telling me that I'll be undergoing a hysterectomy within the next month or so.
But I've also come to the realization that I'm not looking at the reason for my hysterectomy the right way. I wrote earlier that I wish it didn't have to end like this- with a miscarriage as the last thing my uterus did. I realize that thinking that way is wrong, the last thing my uterus did was to hold the baby that I wanted so bad in a way my arms couldn't. It was the only part of my body that was physically in contact with my baby and how powerful is that. I now look at the possibility of the impending hysterectomy with a new set of eyes, how thankful I am to have it removed, not only to keep me alive, but to keep my sanity alive. What if after going through chemo, I could never conceive again? Or what if I could conceive but never carry to term? Or heaven forbid, I deliver a baby that would never draw breath, would die days or months or years later? How much pain and suffering both physical and mental is going to be avoided by a simple procedure that's preformed everyday. When you look at all the what-ifs that could be lingering in the future caused by a wrong choice, how can you not embrace the hardest most selfish choice possible? Because that's what it is to me, a selfish choice- I really want more babies, I loved everything about being pregnant, I loved breast feeding, and holding that little body close to mine, but what amount of selfishness on my part puts the future of my family in the air for something God's already blessed my with twice. Looking at it this way, this is one of the most selfless acts, I will be able to do for my family, but at the same time selfish in itself because I know I want to be here to do what God has planned for me to do on this Earth, and to one day hold the children my children will bear. And if God has it planned to throw in a little bundle of joy along the way, well, that will just be icing on the very sweet cake we call . . . LIFE.