Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Good Decision

When I got the call from my nurse relaying my current blood levels, I was relieved to know that I'd made the right decision to go ahead and start the new treatment. My levels had gone up from 2909 to 4285. Not a huge jump, but not something good either. Thinking back on the call from the nurse, I wasn't as emotional as I'd imaged I would have been when I got the call. For the past few weeks, it had been on my mind, what would I do if my levels went up.

When it finally happened, because in a way I guess I knew it would, I was at peace with it. Like it was just another step on the road and it was okay. I'm pretty sure Jesus was hugging me then, wrapping me in His comfort, since that's exactly how I felt, comforted. I haven't yet had any bad side effects from my treatment, except I slept a lot yesterday with an nap thrown in and a close to 12 hour sleep session last night. I haven't needed any nausea medicine today and I'm not feeling quite so tired.

Even with the comfort being there, it's just going to be a long wait until next weeks blood draws and results. Because there lingering in the back of my mind is the next step in the road. If this medicine doesn't work, the option of a partial hysterectomy increases drastically. I have to give up the hope of future children, coming from my body at least, and with that an end to certain dreams. And it's with bittersweet longing that I wonder what indeed the future has in store for me as a mother and as a woman.