Through out the ride down in the elevator and the walk out to the car where my family was waiting, I thought through what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. I don't think any of it came out like I had planned. I sort of just blubbered through it, managing to catch all the high points somewhere in between reading what I had written and trying to remember all the doctor had said.
This is kind of how the conversation with Terry went, tears and all.
"I've got a chance of getting cancer from this molar pregnancy. It's a small chance, but it's there."
"What's a molar pregnancy?"
"I don't know. He said that we could get pregnant again later."
"Do you want to? I don't think I do."
"I don't think I do either. I've got to call my mom."
That conversation started out.
"Hey, are you alone?" Tears at bay
"Because I got some bad news." Tears flowing freely.
"I might have cancer."
"I'm not sure. It started with a G and ended with BLASTIC and its some type of disease that follows a molar pregnancy."
Not a whole lot to go on, but my Mom managing to sift through all my nonsense went straight to the web and gave us our first bit of information, courtesy of Web MD, along with phone calls to friends, we would soon have a better idea of what we were up against.
Pen and paper in hand, I was now clear headed enough to write down what she was telling me and to make some sense out of it.
I know no one is prepared to be diagnosed with cancer, but I don't quite think the doctors understand how hearing the news affects us, or at least mine didn't. Your body seems to go numb and mental thinking is reduce to just trying to make it through the conversation. Your mind instead of absording this new information, automatically seems to reject it in all it's forms, your body just going through the motions as your brain trys to catch up.
A good doctor up until now, I think things could have gone much better if mine had taken the time to do a bit more research online prior to our appointment and to print out what he had found. Some tangible information that could be held in my hands would have gone along way to better explaining the rare situation I was now facing, not only to myself, but to friends and family also. Without vital understanding of this or any disease, a mind automatically assumes the worse case scenario.
I'd always planned on having 4 kids and now I didn't think I'd be able to have anymore, whether from a possibly needed hysterectomy, or a round of chemo that would/could leave me sterile, or the chance of another molar pregnancy following this one. One miscarriage was bad enough, add to the fact that cancer is now a very real possibility and it blows the mind.