These past six months have been pretty good. Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is only two days away. Not much of note has been happening. Oh, my mom is a copy cat ;) She loves me so much that she had her own hysterectomy done nearly seven months to the day. What a great mother!!!! LOL. No, really, she did need it and is recovering nicely.
From time to time when seeing a new baby, Emilee still asks me why everyone has babies and we don't :( I always tell her that mommy can't have any more because her baby stuff was sick. But that maybe we can adopt one, or that she can have some when she gets married. But in a way giving her this answer feels like I'm lying to her, what if when it's time for her to make a family she can't! I know I'll tell her adoption is an option along with all the IVF choices they have now. How can I keep from warping her little brain into thinking babies are an option, when they might not be?
Time will tell, sorry to ramble on, guess this is like therapy for me.
Everything's going good. Talk to you again in March after my six month check up.
Many blessings
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Three Month Check Up
Hey all,
My three month check up was perfect. I've been cleared for the next 6 months. No blood work, no doctors, nothing. Wahoo! I can't tell you all how excited I am. When my 6 months are up, I'll only see the doctor and that dreaded needle 2 more times, for yearly check ups. This whole thing will be a thing of the past, a past I continue to share a love- hate relationship with and probably always will.
The next few posts will be few and very far in between as my battle comes to an end. And with the chance for a new beginning. I'm thinking of starting another blog. I'll let you know if that happens. In the meantime, keep all the women who are daily battling molar pregnancy in your thoughts and prayers as well as their doctors and families.
Many blessings,
Angela
My three month check up was perfect. I've been cleared for the next 6 months. No blood work, no doctors, nothing. Wahoo! I can't tell you all how excited I am. When my 6 months are up, I'll only see the doctor and that dreaded needle 2 more times, for yearly check ups. This whole thing will be a thing of the past, a past I continue to share a love- hate relationship with and probably always will.
The next few posts will be few and very far in between as my battle comes to an end. And with the chance for a new beginning. I'm thinking of starting another blog. I'll let you know if that happens. In the meantime, keep all the women who are daily battling molar pregnancy in your thoughts and prayers as well as their doctors and families.
Many blessings,
Angela
Friday, August 22, 2008
Second Monthly Test
Another month has passed, and with it another inevitable blood test. Test number two was just as awesome as the last few, with my hcGlevels staying at less than two!!! I'm do for the third test Sept.9, followed by a Dr's appointment on the 16Th, keep your prayers going and fingers crossed, that blood test are soon to be done every second month. I'm really looking forward to the once a year blood draws that I know aren't long in coming, but still there in the back of my mind, after going from once a week, to once a month, every two months, possibly six months, and then a year (for three years, just to be safe) the transition to a year is blowing my mind. I won't have the same comfort in reassurances that having tests done so often brings. I've about decided that when that happens, I'll be buying a few pregnancy tests every so often to do my own at home testing. I probably need to buy some stock before this happens so I can get my money back, huh !!!! Nah, I'm just joking, I'll buy mine at the dollar store!!! Cheap, but effective. After unlike others taking the test, I'm hoping for negative (any hcG levels 25 or higher result in a positive). But enough of that.
My oldest, Hunter, started kindergarten 2 weeks ago and after a pattern of good, bad, good, bad, good, he's finally settled on good. He's got the cutest "girlfriend" and comes home demonstrating exercise moves he's learned in P.E. He's really into the whole school thing as before bed the other he told me he was going to get up 4 in the morning to get ready. Imagine my surprise when I say him walk into my room a little after 4:15 and declared he was ready to get in the shower. Oh, no, I told him to get his hinnie back to bed. Two hours later, when my alarm went off, he was ready to go then as well. I am not looking for to see what Saturday morning brings, as I would like to sleep in !!!! Really, anything past 7 o'clock would do it for me. But I'm thinking, I'll be hearing the little pitter patter around 6:30 at the latest if I'm lucky.
His sister, Emilee is at a loss and I'm finding it difficult to entertain while he's gone. I think she's given up on me, as she's decided a spider building a web on the outside of the living room window makes for better conversation. My imaginative little girl, even dressed in her party dress, mismatching shoes, and put on a song and dance routine for the uncaring arachnid.
As for me, I celebrated my 26Th year in low key style and noticed a few more gray hairs. I believe I'll be seeing what Clairol has to offer in a nice brown, or maybe even a classy red, I haven't made my mind up yet. Maybe I will by my next post. I'm expecting less than two again. Talk to everyone later.
My oldest, Hunter, started kindergarten 2 weeks ago and after a pattern of good, bad, good, bad, good, he's finally settled on good. He's got the cutest "girlfriend" and comes home demonstrating exercise moves he's learned in P.E. He's really into the whole school thing as before bed the other he told me he was going to get up 4 in the morning to get ready. Imagine my surprise when I say him walk into my room a little after 4:15 and declared he was ready to get in the shower. Oh, no, I told him to get his hinnie back to bed. Two hours later, when my alarm went off, he was ready to go then as well. I am not looking for to see what Saturday morning brings, as I would like to sleep in !!!! Really, anything past 7 o'clock would do it for me. But I'm thinking, I'll be hearing the little pitter patter around 6:30 at the latest if I'm lucky.
His sister, Emilee is at a loss and I'm finding it difficult to entertain while he's gone. I think she's given up on me, as she's decided a spider building a web on the outside of the living room window makes for better conversation. My imaginative little girl, even dressed in her party dress, mismatching shoes, and put on a song and dance routine for the uncaring arachnid.
As for me, I celebrated my 26Th year in low key style and noticed a few more gray hairs. I believe I'll be seeing what Clairol has to offer in a nice brown, or maybe even a classy red, I haven't made my mind up yet. Maybe I will by my next post. I'm expecting less than two again. Talk to everyone later.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A New Arrival
Well, my due date has come and gone and God certainly blessed me in more ways than one. He gave me peace of mind, so much so that what July 21st was, was only a passing thought full of light wishes for what it could have been. The real excitement began the next day and as Terry said to me during a conversation, "I think our loss is someone else's gain," and it was someone else's gain and it was done only in a way that God can. My half sister was born three weeks early on Tuesday, July 22, 2008, just one day after my due date. We all know that sometimes due dates give or take a day, but how awesome is it that God chose to have my sister come into this world on a day that would mean so much to me, as a mother, and as her sister. I believe this is one reason for the utter peace that He blessed me with. I am so excited to meet her when she comes home from the hospital. And as a friend emailed me when she heard my good news -' God has placed a baby in your path to love and adore'- He certainly has, a baby I can spoil and send back home to our dad.
One thing I have thought about, what if everything with my pregnancy had gone according to plan, my baby and my sister would have shared the same birthday, if not close to it!!!! How fun would that have been.
But . . . I think it worked out better this way. God's plan is always the right plan.
One thing I have thought about, what if everything with my pregnancy had gone according to plan, my baby and my sister would have shared the same birthday, if not close to it!!!! How fun would that have been.
But . . . I think it worked out better this way. God's plan is always the right plan.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
First Monthy Test
It's July 19, 2008 and my first monthly blood test was Tuesday the 15th. My levels were less than 2 again and I was so relieved. I continue to watch my body for signs that the cancer has returned and find myself preparing for the worst. I go about my day, sometimes two in a row without worrying, but it's always there, lurking right out of sight. I know I have nothing to worry about. The "tumor" didn't fully penetrate my uterine lining, my CAT scan was clean, chest x-rays clear, so chances of spreading were minimal as is the chance of a recurrence. But with research pointing to 85% of all recurrences happening the first 18 months and the other15% happening before the third year, I feel I have just cause to think about the possibility. And I know that I'll continue to think about it until I've passed the three year mark.
As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.
I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.
As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.
I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
No Worries
I was so unconcerned about the results from my June 17th blood test that my mom had to remind me the next day to call. For the second week in a row my hcG levels were less than 2. My first monthly blood test won't be until July 15. In celebration of not having to be at the doctors office for the first time in 6 months at 8 in the morning, I slept in!!!! Indulgent, I know. Afterwards I cleaned house and for the first time in 8 weeks, I mopped my floors. My doctor cleared me and now that the bodily healing is almost complete, I feel like things are returning to a sense of normalcy. I know things will never be the same. Numbers for instance aren't as simple as they once were, the upcoming months and years when a blood test is done, a single number will reign supreme and for the days until results my world will revolve around it. The days before and after are now marked in terms of Before Cancer, Living with Cancer, and Cancer Free. The 6 months that I had cancer will live on in my memory for years to come, while the details may go fuzzy, and the scar fades, the emotions will only dull slightly, my life has been forever impacted by this. And now that it has come to an end, I count the weeks so far, I'm 4 weeks cancer free, soon it'll be10 months, 2 years, a decade and more. And every time I think about it, I know I'll always feel the same euphoric relief that I can never and will never be able to describe. I'll always feel like jumping up and down and laughing until I cry and crying until there are no more tears left. And under it all is the unfailing presence of the hundreds of prayers that were sent up by friends, family, and people I've never met and probably never will, the unfailing presence of My Lord and Saviour who I chose to honor by trying to be the best witness possible so the unbeliever would know of the depth of love and passion He has for everyone who does and doesn't believe. The strength that at times baffled even myself came only from Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He will continue to give me strength that will allow me to go through each day without a worry.
Call on Jesus, ask Him into your heart so that you to may have no worries. Whisper His name, "JESUS", feel the power in it and open your heart. It is said that even demons tremble at the name of Jesus. What awesome power. Ask Him into your heart today. He doesn't care how you come to Him, only that you're there.
Romans 3:23- "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
Call on Jesus, ask Him into your heart so that you to may have no worries. Whisper His name, "JESUS", feel the power in it and open your heart. It is said that even demons tremble at the name of Jesus. What awesome power. Ask Him into your heart today. He doesn't care how you come to Him, only that you're there.
Romans 3:23- "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Cancer Free
After a long four months, the results are in. . . I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!
Four weeks after my hysterectomy, my numbers have fallen from 8090 to less than 2!!!!! How awesome is that!!!! I just want to give thanks for the many prayers and unfailing support that I have received from not just family and friends, but also from my Lord and Saviour. Faith in God has been so instrumental in this journey that words can't describe what this cancer would have been like had I not been a Christian and part of a wonderful church family. There is always power in prayer and never has that been more evident for me than it has through out these last few months. Just recently, I asked for prayer in Life Studies for my poor little veins. With my veins blowing and the amount of scar tissue that has developed, I was worried about how I was going to get my chemo at my doctors appointment this past Tuesday. Prayers were answered in a very unexpected way when the doctor told me I wouldn't need any more chemo, period as long as my numbers stay less than 5 for the next year. Sends chills down your spine doesn't it.
The next few blogs will be few and far between as my journey is coming to a close. I'll do the last of my weekly blood tests next Tuesday and then I'm cleared until July 15 and once each month until September when I see the doctor again.
If anyone reading what has been written through out these posts has been diagnosed with a molar pregnancy and has questions, feel free to email me at angelalhayes@yahoo.com and definitely sign up for the free support group that is aimed personal for women affected by molar pregnancies- www.mymolarpregnancy.com. The more information and support you have, the better your chances are of defeating this cruel disease.
Many blessings to all.
Four weeks after my hysterectomy, my numbers have fallen from 8090 to less than 2!!!!! How awesome is that!!!! I just want to give thanks for the many prayers and unfailing support that I have received from not just family and friends, but also from my Lord and Saviour. Faith in God has been so instrumental in this journey that words can't describe what this cancer would have been like had I not been a Christian and part of a wonderful church family. There is always power in prayer and never has that been more evident for me than it has through out these last few months. Just recently, I asked for prayer in Life Studies for my poor little veins. With my veins blowing and the amount of scar tissue that has developed, I was worried about how I was going to get my chemo at my doctors appointment this past Tuesday. Prayers were answered in a very unexpected way when the doctor told me I wouldn't need any more chemo, period as long as my numbers stay less than 5 for the next year. Sends chills down your spine doesn't it.
The next few blogs will be few and far between as my journey is coming to a close. I'll do the last of my weekly blood tests next Tuesday and then I'm cleared until July 15 and once each month until September when I see the doctor again.
If anyone reading what has been written through out these posts has been diagnosed with a molar pregnancy and has questions, feel free to email me at angelalhayes@yahoo.com and definitely sign up for the free support group that is aimed personal for women affected by molar pregnancies- www.mymolarpregnancy.com. The more information and support you have, the better your chances are of defeating this cruel disease.
Many blessings to all.
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