It's coming up on my 5 year cancer free anniversary. And my how life goes on.
The kids are now in 3rd and 4th grade and continue to grow like weeds.
I myself am proud to say that I have signed my first book contract for a fantasy romance that will be published by The Wild Rose Press later on this year.
I can't wait to see the changes the next 5 years bring.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Three Years Later
As promised,my posts have been few and far between.
What can I say? I found myself in a pensive type of mood. The baby I lost would have been celebrating a birthday right about now. Number three to be exact. Which begs the question, what would we have done? My guess is something involving either a Transformer or a Princess theme. There would have been cake and ice cream, presents, and laughter. As it stands, I did do all that today! Today was my little sisters' birthday. She turned three. Yes, three. (We will not discuss the age difference!)
In one of the those cosmic twist of fate, I indeed had the birthday party I should of had. A lovely one, held at the pool in the company of her family and friends. A birthday for her, just as it should have been.
I don't think about the lost baby as much any more, only about every day. As such I haven't cried and doubt I will anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I choke up when I think of it, but then the moment quickly passes. Which, when I think of it makes me feel callous and heartless, until I realize that this how God designed the human mind. We love, we lose, we grieve, we heal, we move on. Because as the world continues to turn, one day will always fade into the next, and into the next, and into the next. Much like our memories.
I am so glad for the opportunity that this blog has presented me. So many of the memories, althought not all of them, that I thought I would remember forever with such idealic clarity, huh, well, they're just about as clear as mud. Time, what a funny thing.
The first several days are very clear. I guess it's like when you're trying to memorize a speech, you get the first paragraph down pat. When you move on to the second, you begin with the first and continue on. Same with the third, until that first paragraph is so firmly fixed in your mind, it's not coming out. That's pretty much what I'm getting at.
I cannot recall the physical pain I felt when I learned my third child just weeks into it's embryonic life and why would I? That was enough of a soul crusher to last me my entire life, thank you very much, no repeats are necessary. And while I can probably script some of the conversations word for word, I don't know why I would. At the end of the day my life had been changed forever. Same goes for the day when I was told my pregnancy wasn't exactly normal. That had to have been the understatement of the century.
I cannot recall the weeks between those blood draws when we were playing the waiting game. Waiting to hear the phone ring, waiting to hear if the levels were up or down. But now, as I'm thinking about it, my stomach is churning with anxiety. And I'm not sure how I managed to keep from pulling my hair out.
There's the first visit to the oncologist office. There's nothing much to say on that, except looking back, I went in cool and confident knowing I had done as much research as I could. I was ready to "talk shop" and resolve the issue and knowing without a doubt that God was going to take care of me. A feeling a had though the entire process and doubted only for the merest of seconds before my common sense kicked back in.
The various trips in for medicine. There was only a handful, a lone shot here and there, a single IV treatment.
The call, between the doctor and myself, when it was determined I would need a hysterectomy to beat the cancer. Not as dramatic as you would think. This goes back to being prepared, to being realistic, and being confident in God.
Then there's the hemmoraging. Pretty sure this mememories going to be there awhile, as will the day of the surgery. It was around four that morning when they were wheeling me into Prep when all of my commonsense fled. I don't really remember what I was thinking or feeling clearly. In fact it's a total blur. I know I was crying and couldn't stop until the nurses gave me somethig for it. Looking back, I guess what I was feeling was a sort of grief for my uterus. Laugh if you like, but it's true. So much of that organ comprised what it was that made me.... I could say me, a person would wanted to be a mother again, or I could say a woman. I know how silly that sounds, but in a way it's true.
God never blessed me with ample front clevage, the rear, well, it would have been nice if both sides evened out. So I really connected my feminity with my uterus. I may resemble a prepubesent teen, but honey, I could pop out beautiful babies. Hence, the totally unfounded and crazy grief I was feeling. I knew and still know that any female can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mom and that just because that part of me was gone didn't mean it stopped the loving feelings of heart. It only resulted in temporary brain loss!
The physical pain of the surgery is barley a blip on my Memory Lane radar, the scar, although noticeable to me, is pretty well faded.
The call I received letting me know my levels had bottomed out, was one of the greatest moments of my life and the highlight of the whole ordeal is in need of a trophy. And coming in second place, the last visit to my doctors office. More than a blip because he'd changed offices and it was a chore to find.
Hmmm, guess my memories clearer than I thought. Thanks Memory Lane. Point is, time allows us to put our memories in perspective. The shock, the hurt,and the grief eventually fades as does the happy, the exuberance, and the thrill. I'd compare our brain to the refresh button. There's only so much data it can handle before it has to clear out and start over. Just think how sad our lives would be if we continued to wallow in our hurt like pigs in mud.
We're human. God gave us life. What we do it, well, that's up to us.
Personally I chose to be happy. There is nothing that is going to bring my baby back. No amount of tears, or screaming will change that. I accept it and move on, remembering that God gave me two wonderful children who daily irritate the living snot out of me and make me glad I'm their mom. A husband who is my rock. Parents I adore, a nephew who is cutest thing, and sisters. Both of whom I love and would die to save.
And at the end of the day, that's what makes living my life worth it.
What can I say? I found myself in a pensive type of mood. The baby I lost would have been celebrating a birthday right about now. Number three to be exact. Which begs the question, what would we have done? My guess is something involving either a Transformer or a Princess theme. There would have been cake and ice cream, presents, and laughter. As it stands, I did do all that today! Today was my little sisters' birthday. She turned three. Yes, three. (We will not discuss the age difference!)
In one of the those cosmic twist of fate, I indeed had the birthday party I should of had. A lovely one, held at the pool in the company of her family and friends. A birthday for her, just as it should have been.
I don't think about the lost baby as much any more, only about every day. As such I haven't cried and doubt I will anytime soon. Don't get me wrong, I choke up when I think of it, but then the moment quickly passes. Which, when I think of it makes me feel callous and heartless, until I realize that this how God designed the human mind. We love, we lose, we grieve, we heal, we move on. Because as the world continues to turn, one day will always fade into the next, and into the next, and into the next. Much like our memories.
I am so glad for the opportunity that this blog has presented me. So many of the memories, althought not all of them, that I thought I would remember forever with such idealic clarity, huh, well, they're just about as clear as mud. Time, what a funny thing.
The first several days are very clear. I guess it's like when you're trying to memorize a speech, you get the first paragraph down pat. When you move on to the second, you begin with the first and continue on. Same with the third, until that first paragraph is so firmly fixed in your mind, it's not coming out. That's pretty much what I'm getting at.
I cannot recall the physical pain I felt when I learned my third child just weeks into it's embryonic life and why would I? That was enough of a soul crusher to last me my entire life, thank you very much, no repeats are necessary. And while I can probably script some of the conversations word for word, I don't know why I would. At the end of the day my life had been changed forever. Same goes for the day when I was told my pregnancy wasn't exactly normal. That had to have been the understatement of the century.
I cannot recall the weeks between those blood draws when we were playing the waiting game. Waiting to hear the phone ring, waiting to hear if the levels were up or down. But now, as I'm thinking about it, my stomach is churning with anxiety. And I'm not sure how I managed to keep from pulling my hair out.
There's the first visit to the oncologist office. There's nothing much to say on that, except looking back, I went in cool and confident knowing I had done as much research as I could. I was ready to "talk shop" and resolve the issue and knowing without a doubt that God was going to take care of me. A feeling a had though the entire process and doubted only for the merest of seconds before my common sense kicked back in.
The various trips in for medicine. There was only a handful, a lone shot here and there, a single IV treatment.
The call, between the doctor and myself, when it was determined I would need a hysterectomy to beat the cancer. Not as dramatic as you would think. This goes back to being prepared, to being realistic, and being confident in God.
Then there's the hemmoraging. Pretty sure this mememories going to be there awhile, as will the day of the surgery. It was around four that morning when they were wheeling me into Prep when all of my commonsense fled. I don't really remember what I was thinking or feeling clearly. In fact it's a total blur. I know I was crying and couldn't stop until the nurses gave me somethig for it. Looking back, I guess what I was feeling was a sort of grief for my uterus. Laugh if you like, but it's true. So much of that organ comprised what it was that made me.... I could say me, a person would wanted to be a mother again, or I could say a woman. I know how silly that sounds, but in a way it's true.
God never blessed me with ample front clevage, the rear, well, it would have been nice if both sides evened out. So I really connected my feminity with my uterus. I may resemble a prepubesent teen, but honey, I could pop out beautiful babies. Hence, the totally unfounded and crazy grief I was feeling. I knew and still know that any female can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mom and that just because that part of me was gone didn't mean it stopped the loving feelings of heart. It only resulted in temporary brain loss!
The physical pain of the surgery is barley a blip on my Memory Lane radar, the scar, although noticeable to me, is pretty well faded.
The call I received letting me know my levels had bottomed out, was one of the greatest moments of my life and the highlight of the whole ordeal is in need of a trophy. And coming in second place, the last visit to my doctors office. More than a blip because he'd changed offices and it was a chore to find.
Hmmm, guess my memories clearer than I thought. Thanks Memory Lane. Point is, time allows us to put our memories in perspective. The shock, the hurt,and the grief eventually fades as does the happy, the exuberance, and the thrill. I'd compare our brain to the refresh button. There's only so much data it can handle before it has to clear out and start over. Just think how sad our lives would be if we continued to wallow in our hurt like pigs in mud.
We're human. God gave us life. What we do it, well, that's up to us.
Personally I chose to be happy. There is nothing that is going to bring my baby back. No amount of tears, or screaming will change that. I accept it and move on, remembering that God gave me two wonderful children who daily irritate the living snot out of me and make me glad I'm their mom. A husband who is my rock. Parents I adore, a nephew who is cutest thing, and sisters. Both of whom I love and would die to save.
And at the end of the day, that's what makes living my life worth it.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It's official, I've been discharged
March 19, 2010
It's official, I've been discharged. Released from the care of my oncologist and free to live the life of a survivor.
Boy what a difference two years makes. That's 730 days or 17,120 hours- and if my math is good 1,027,200 minutes. Either way you look at it, time sure has flown by and all those memories that I thought would live in my mind forever are turning out to be quiet less memorable than I thought they would be.
I can no longer quote all the differing levels of Hcg that my body has seen. The only number that really matters has been a constant since June 2008 and that is less than 2. My scar is no longer the raise pink line that it once was, having fading down to something less noticeable, like so many other memories. Not that I don't see it on a regular basis, I still do, everyday. It's impossible to miss.
One thing that won't be impossible to miss will be the blood draws. No skin off my back where that's concerned and I mean that in the kindest way possible. If not for the ladies drawing my blood, or the people running the tests in the lab, the end to my story would have been a lot different. Thank God for the strides made in the medical field.
I will also miss, fondly, my doctor at UAB. He knows who he is and if he ever comes across this lowly blog, I want him to know what a terrific doctor he is and how highly I think of him.
He was honest with me from the start, entirely capable, and I never doubted his expertise for a second. I can think of no higher praise for a man in the occupation of oncology. I pray that he is blessed everyday with knowledge, wisdom, a steady hand, and a warm heart as he continues in his endeavors.
It's with a smile that I hope to never see you again. As the risk of recurrence is rather low, I don't think we'll ever run into each other again. But it's a small world, you never know.
And for the lost baby, the one that will never be forgotten, no matter how much time passes. Whether it be 50 years - 18,18,250 days- 449,000 hours, 26,940,000- minutes or 1,616,400,000 seconds (don't check my math) the memory of the baby I never got to name, never got to hold, kiss or cuddle will live on and I know that without a doubt, I will always continue to shed a tear when I think of the person who never got a chance to be
Fisher Clay Hayes or Graicee Laine Hayes.
Two years later, it is a mix of bittersweet memories that continue to live on. Triumph and tragedy.
It's official, I've been discharged. Released from the care of my oncologist and free to live the life of a survivor.
Boy what a difference two years makes. That's 730 days or 17,120 hours- and if my math is good 1,027,200 minutes. Either way you look at it, time sure has flown by and all those memories that I thought would live in my mind forever are turning out to be quiet less memorable than I thought they would be.
I can no longer quote all the differing levels of Hcg that my body has seen. The only number that really matters has been a constant since June 2008 and that is less than 2. My scar is no longer the raise pink line that it once was, having fading down to something less noticeable, like so many other memories. Not that I don't see it on a regular basis, I still do, everyday. It's impossible to miss.
One thing that won't be impossible to miss will be the blood draws. No skin off my back where that's concerned and I mean that in the kindest way possible. If not for the ladies drawing my blood, or the people running the tests in the lab, the end to my story would have been a lot different. Thank God for the strides made in the medical field.
I will also miss, fondly, my doctor at UAB. He knows who he is and if he ever comes across this lowly blog, I want him to know what a terrific doctor he is and how highly I think of him.
He was honest with me from the start, entirely capable, and I never doubted his expertise for a second. I can think of no higher praise for a man in the occupation of oncology. I pray that he is blessed everyday with knowledge, wisdom, a steady hand, and a warm heart as he continues in his endeavors.
It's with a smile that I hope to never see you again. As the risk of recurrence is rather low, I don't think we'll ever run into each other again. But it's a small world, you never know.
And for the lost baby, the one that will never be forgotten, no matter how much time passes. Whether it be 50 years - 18,18,250 days- 449,000 hours, 26,940,000- minutes or 1,616,400,000 seconds (don't check my math) the memory of the baby I never got to name, never got to hold, kiss or cuddle will live on and I know that without a doubt, I will always continue to shed a tear when I think of the person who never got a chance to be
Fisher Clay Hayes or Graicee Laine Hayes.
Two years later, it is a mix of bittersweet memories that continue to live on. Triumph and tragedy.
Like in the past, future posts will be few and far between. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open for any future woman traveling down the path of a molar pregnancy journey. I'm just an email away.
Many Blessings,
Angela Hayes, gtdwarrior
Thursday, January 8, 2009
One Year Ago
January 8,2008 was a day that I will probably remember forever, if not the date, certainly the feelings. 365 days ago, I began an unimaginable journey.
The morning began like any other. Terry had worked a night shift before and so that he could watch the kids and still get some sleep later that day, I had an early prenatal appointment at one of the branch offices close to home.
This was my third and final pregnancy and already I knew it was different that my previous two. I wasn't having much morning sickness and what I did have seemed more like um, sinus drainage issues. Nothing like the 24 hour stuff that ruled my life for 3 weeks that I was expecting. Ignoring the little twinges of "something wasn't right", I was happy that the toilet wasn't my best friend this go round. But those twinges wouldn't be ignored for long, as my second appointment turned out to be what I least expected.
As soon as the doctor put the Doppler on my stomach to listen for the heart beat, I knew something was wrong. And for what seemed like the next 5 minutes, he search for a heartbeat. None. He tried to comfort me with the fact that the baby was probably just behind my pubic bone, hiding, but I think we both knew it was a lie.
It would be. The first ultrasound put the baby at a day or two short of eight weeks. Determining that the baby had died two days or so after the first ultrasound where I had seen and heard the heart beat myself. So for the last three to four weeks, my baby had been dead and I didn't know it. Somehow that seems so wrong.
The next day, January 9 would begin the first of countless blood draws to come. And in accordance with my doctors advice, I chose not to have a D and C done right away. It would be two weeks later before we decided on the D and C. My body wasn't miscarrying on its own and I count that as a blessing. During that same visit, because of my unusual high hcG, that I believe to have been in the 300,000 range, I was sent for another ultrasound to confirm fetal demise. The thoughts that ran through my head were numerous, as were the prayers. Prayers for God's Will to be done.
I won't and can't blame my doctor for my baby being in my body for close to six weeks after its death, because he can't predict the future. Could a D and C done earlier have prevented the cancer? Maybe, maybe not, we'll never know.
Twenty days to the day I learned of my miscarriage and asked the age old question, "Why?", I received a D and C. A week later, I had an answer. An answer that would turn my life upside down.
Fetal demise was due to Partial Molar Pregnancy.
As I sit here, going over what happened a year ago, many emotions run through me. Sadness and heart break for the baby I'll never know on earth. Triumph and elation for fighting a disease that comes straight from the pits of Hell and winning. Anger at the Devil for turning something so pure and innocent into something that I feared. Thankfulness, for God and His Son Jesus, for their undying love and unseen hands that carry us through life. Emotions that are all wrapped into one ball and can't be unraveled, just like the events that have led me to this day.
Today is January 8,2009 and I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, miscarriage and cancer survivor rolled into one. I am a fighter.
The morning began like any other. Terry had worked a night shift before and so that he could watch the kids and still get some sleep later that day, I had an early prenatal appointment at one of the branch offices close to home.
This was my third and final pregnancy and already I knew it was different that my previous two. I wasn't having much morning sickness and what I did have seemed more like um, sinus drainage issues. Nothing like the 24 hour stuff that ruled my life for 3 weeks that I was expecting. Ignoring the little twinges of "something wasn't right", I was happy that the toilet wasn't my best friend this go round. But those twinges wouldn't be ignored for long, as my second appointment turned out to be what I least expected.
As soon as the doctor put the Doppler on my stomach to listen for the heart beat, I knew something was wrong. And for what seemed like the next 5 minutes, he search for a heartbeat. None. He tried to comfort me with the fact that the baby was probably just behind my pubic bone, hiding, but I think we both knew it was a lie.
It would be. The first ultrasound put the baby at a day or two short of eight weeks. Determining that the baby had died two days or so after the first ultrasound where I had seen and heard the heart beat myself. So for the last three to four weeks, my baby had been dead and I didn't know it. Somehow that seems so wrong.
The next day, January 9 would begin the first of countless blood draws to come. And in accordance with my doctors advice, I chose not to have a D and C done right away. It would be two weeks later before we decided on the D and C. My body wasn't miscarrying on its own and I count that as a blessing. During that same visit, because of my unusual high hcG, that I believe to have been in the 300,000 range, I was sent for another ultrasound to confirm fetal demise. The thoughts that ran through my head were numerous, as were the prayers. Prayers for God's Will to be done.
I won't and can't blame my doctor for my baby being in my body for close to six weeks after its death, because he can't predict the future. Could a D and C done earlier have prevented the cancer? Maybe, maybe not, we'll never know.
Twenty days to the day I learned of my miscarriage and asked the age old question, "Why?", I received a D and C. A week later, I had an answer. An answer that would turn my life upside down.
Fetal demise was due to Partial Molar Pregnancy.
As I sit here, going over what happened a year ago, many emotions run through me. Sadness and heart break for the baby I'll never know on earth. Triumph and elation for fighting a disease that comes straight from the pits of Hell and winning. Anger at the Devil for turning something so pure and innocent into something that I feared. Thankfulness, for God and His Son Jesus, for their undying love and unseen hands that carry us through life. Emotions that are all wrapped into one ball and can't be unraveled, just like the events that have led me to this day.
Today is January 8,2009 and I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, miscarriage and cancer survivor rolled into one. I am a fighter.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Six months cancer free
These past six months have been pretty good. Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is only two days away. Not much of note has been happening. Oh, my mom is a copy cat ;) She loves me so much that she had her own hysterectomy done nearly seven months to the day. What a great mother!!!! LOL. No, really, she did need it and is recovering nicely.
From time to time when seeing a new baby, Emilee still asks me why everyone has babies and we don't :( I always tell her that mommy can't have any more because her baby stuff was sick. But that maybe we can adopt one, or that she can have some when she gets married. But in a way giving her this answer feels like I'm lying to her, what if when it's time for her to make a family she can't! I know I'll tell her adoption is an option along with all the IVF choices they have now. How can I keep from warping her little brain into thinking babies are an option, when they might not be?
Time will tell, sorry to ramble on, guess this is like therapy for me.
Everything's going good. Talk to you again in March after my six month check up.
Many blessings
From time to time when seeing a new baby, Emilee still asks me why everyone has babies and we don't :( I always tell her that mommy can't have any more because her baby stuff was sick. But that maybe we can adopt one, or that she can have some when she gets married. But in a way giving her this answer feels like I'm lying to her, what if when it's time for her to make a family she can't! I know I'll tell her adoption is an option along with all the IVF choices they have now. How can I keep from warping her little brain into thinking babies are an option, when they might not be?
Time will tell, sorry to ramble on, guess this is like therapy for me.
Everything's going good. Talk to you again in March after my six month check up.
Many blessings
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Three Month Check Up
Hey all,
My three month check up was perfect. I've been cleared for the next 6 months. No blood work, no doctors, nothing. Wahoo! I can't tell you all how excited I am. When my 6 months are up, I'll only see the doctor and that dreaded needle 2 more times, for yearly check ups. This whole thing will be a thing of the past, a past I continue to share a love- hate relationship with and probably always will.
The next few posts will be few and very far in between as my battle comes to an end. And with the chance for a new beginning. I'm thinking of starting another blog. I'll let you know if that happens. In the meantime, keep all the women who are daily battling molar pregnancy in your thoughts and prayers as well as their doctors and families.
Many blessings,
Angela
My three month check up was perfect. I've been cleared for the next 6 months. No blood work, no doctors, nothing. Wahoo! I can't tell you all how excited I am. When my 6 months are up, I'll only see the doctor and that dreaded needle 2 more times, for yearly check ups. This whole thing will be a thing of the past, a past I continue to share a love- hate relationship with and probably always will.
The next few posts will be few and very far in between as my battle comes to an end. And with the chance for a new beginning. I'm thinking of starting another blog. I'll let you know if that happens. In the meantime, keep all the women who are daily battling molar pregnancy in your thoughts and prayers as well as their doctors and families.
Many blessings,
Angela
Friday, August 22, 2008
Second Monthly Test
Another month has passed, and with it another inevitable blood test. Test number two was just as awesome as the last few, with my hcGlevels staying at less than two!!! I'm do for the third test Sept.9, followed by a Dr's appointment on the 16Th, keep your prayers going and fingers crossed, that blood test are soon to be done every second month. I'm really looking forward to the once a year blood draws that I know aren't long in coming, but still there in the back of my mind, after going from once a week, to once a month, every two months, possibly six months, and then a year (for three years, just to be safe) the transition to a year is blowing my mind. I won't have the same comfort in reassurances that having tests done so often brings. I've about decided that when that happens, I'll be buying a few pregnancy tests every so often to do my own at home testing. I probably need to buy some stock before this happens so I can get my money back, huh !!!! Nah, I'm just joking, I'll buy mine at the dollar store!!! Cheap, but effective. After unlike others taking the test, I'm hoping for negative (any hcG levels 25 or higher result in a positive). But enough of that.
My oldest, Hunter, started kindergarten 2 weeks ago and after a pattern of good, bad, good, bad, good, he's finally settled on good. He's got the cutest "girlfriend" and comes home demonstrating exercise moves he's learned in P.E. He's really into the whole school thing as before bed the other he told me he was going to get up 4 in the morning to get ready. Imagine my surprise when I say him walk into my room a little after 4:15 and declared he was ready to get in the shower. Oh, no, I told him to get his hinnie back to bed. Two hours later, when my alarm went off, he was ready to go then as well. I am not looking for to see what Saturday morning brings, as I would like to sleep in !!!! Really, anything past 7 o'clock would do it for me. But I'm thinking, I'll be hearing the little pitter patter around 6:30 at the latest if I'm lucky.
His sister, Emilee is at a loss and I'm finding it difficult to entertain while he's gone. I think she's given up on me, as she's decided a spider building a web on the outside of the living room window makes for better conversation. My imaginative little girl, even dressed in her party dress, mismatching shoes, and put on a song and dance routine for the uncaring arachnid.
As for me, I celebrated my 26Th year in low key style and noticed a few more gray hairs. I believe I'll be seeing what Clairol has to offer in a nice brown, or maybe even a classy red, I haven't made my mind up yet. Maybe I will by my next post. I'm expecting less than two again. Talk to everyone later.
My oldest, Hunter, started kindergarten 2 weeks ago and after a pattern of good, bad, good, bad, good, he's finally settled on good. He's got the cutest "girlfriend" and comes home demonstrating exercise moves he's learned in P.E. He's really into the whole school thing as before bed the other he told me he was going to get up 4 in the morning to get ready. Imagine my surprise when I say him walk into my room a little after 4:15 and declared he was ready to get in the shower. Oh, no, I told him to get his hinnie back to bed. Two hours later, when my alarm went off, he was ready to go then as well. I am not looking for to see what Saturday morning brings, as I would like to sleep in !!!! Really, anything past 7 o'clock would do it for me. But I'm thinking, I'll be hearing the little pitter patter around 6:30 at the latest if I'm lucky.
His sister, Emilee is at a loss and I'm finding it difficult to entertain while he's gone. I think she's given up on me, as she's decided a spider building a web on the outside of the living room window makes for better conversation. My imaginative little girl, even dressed in her party dress, mismatching shoes, and put on a song and dance routine for the uncaring arachnid.
As for me, I celebrated my 26Th year in low key style and noticed a few more gray hairs. I believe I'll be seeing what Clairol has to offer in a nice brown, or maybe even a classy red, I haven't made my mind up yet. Maybe I will by my next post. I'm expecting less than two again. Talk to everyone later.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A New Arrival
Well, my due date has come and gone and God certainly blessed me in more ways than one. He gave me peace of mind, so much so that what July 21st was, was only a passing thought full of light wishes for what it could have been. The real excitement began the next day and as Terry said to me during a conversation, "I think our loss is someone else's gain," and it was someone else's gain and it was done only in a way that God can. My half sister was born three weeks early on Tuesday, July 22, 2008, just one day after my due date. We all know that sometimes due dates give or take a day, but how awesome is it that God chose to have my sister come into this world on a day that would mean so much to me, as a mother, and as her sister. I believe this is one reason for the utter peace that He blessed me with. I am so excited to meet her when she comes home from the hospital. And as a friend emailed me when she heard my good news -' God has placed a baby in your path to love and adore'- He certainly has, a baby I can spoil and send back home to our dad.
One thing I have thought about, what if everything with my pregnancy had gone according to plan, my baby and my sister would have shared the same birthday, if not close to it!!!! How fun would that have been.
But . . . I think it worked out better this way. God's plan is always the right plan.
One thing I have thought about, what if everything with my pregnancy had gone according to plan, my baby and my sister would have shared the same birthday, if not close to it!!!! How fun would that have been.
But . . . I think it worked out better this way. God's plan is always the right plan.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
First Monthy Test
It's July 19, 2008 and my first monthly blood test was Tuesday the 15th. My levels were less than 2 again and I was so relieved. I continue to watch my body for signs that the cancer has returned and find myself preparing for the worst. I go about my day, sometimes two in a row without worrying, but it's always there, lurking right out of sight. I know I have nothing to worry about. The "tumor" didn't fully penetrate my uterine lining, my CAT scan was clean, chest x-rays clear, so chances of spreading were minimal as is the chance of a recurrence. But with research pointing to 85% of all recurrences happening the first 18 months and the other15% happening before the third year, I feel I have just cause to think about the possibility. And I know that I'll continue to think about it until I've passed the three year mark.
As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.
I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.
As that days of my next monthly blood test as counted down, I've also been thinking about the intended due date a lot. For the first two weeks after my hysterectomy, I was a bit fixated on how that day was fast approaching. It would haunt me every 5 minutes or so, would it have been a boy or a girl, how would I have decorated the nursery, how much weight would I have gained, would the pregnancy have been as smooth as my other two, and how would the delivery have been, right at or under the 4 hour mark like my two previous deliveries- or longer? I'd grieve and cry because I'll never have the answers to any of those questions again. It's been 2 months since the surgery and all the questions. Sure I still ask them to myself, but I'm not as sad knowing I won't get an answer. Part of me is sad that I can't seem to feel more towards the fact that as I right this my due date is only 2 days away. I feel grief because I can't grieve if that makes sense. I haven't cried over the loss of the baby in 4 weeks or more and while I know it's okay to, I can't seem to work up any tears. That may seem cold hearted to some, but I call it a survivors instinct. There is only so much crying and pondering of past and future events that one person can do. Now I find myself concentrating on future remodeling projects for the house, the first day of kindergarten as the 2008-2009 school year draws close and my son will begin his foray into the world, the prospect at the possibility of a chance to adopt a child. I still feel that maternal instinct to feed and diaper a baby, to hold that little sweet smelling body close, and I know no matter how many babies I hold and feed, it will never be enough.
I'm content to an extent with the children I have. The children I watch every day growing into strong individuals I'm proud of, yet part of me yearns for more. I can't help but feel that our family is incomplete, that there's something that's lacking, something my children are missing out on. And still, I know I'm not read for what a complete family will bring. There's so much to do, preparation to be done that it isn't time yet for another child in our lives. An internal tug of war wages daily. Want .vs. Need. Heart .vs. Head One day we'll know who the winner is, but it won't be today.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
No Worries
I was so unconcerned about the results from my June 17th blood test that my mom had to remind me the next day to call. For the second week in a row my hcG levels were less than 2. My first monthly blood test won't be until July 15. In celebration of not having to be at the doctors office for the first time in 6 months at 8 in the morning, I slept in!!!! Indulgent, I know. Afterwards I cleaned house and for the first time in 8 weeks, I mopped my floors. My doctor cleared me and now that the bodily healing is almost complete, I feel like things are returning to a sense of normalcy. I know things will never be the same. Numbers for instance aren't as simple as they once were, the upcoming months and years when a blood test is done, a single number will reign supreme and for the days until results my world will revolve around it. The days before and after are now marked in terms of Before Cancer, Living with Cancer, and Cancer Free. The 6 months that I had cancer will live on in my memory for years to come, while the details may go fuzzy, and the scar fades, the emotions will only dull slightly, my life has been forever impacted by this. And now that it has come to an end, I count the weeks so far, I'm 4 weeks cancer free, soon it'll be10 months, 2 years, a decade and more. And every time I think about it, I know I'll always feel the same euphoric relief that I can never and will never be able to describe. I'll always feel like jumping up and down and laughing until I cry and crying until there are no more tears left. And under it all is the unfailing presence of the hundreds of prayers that were sent up by friends, family, and people I've never met and probably never will, the unfailing presence of My Lord and Saviour who I chose to honor by trying to be the best witness possible so the unbeliever would know of the depth of love and passion He has for everyone who does and doesn't believe. The strength that at times baffled even myself came only from Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He will continue to give me strength that will allow me to go through each day without a worry.
Call on Jesus, ask Him into your heart so that you to may have no worries. Whisper His name, "JESUS", feel the power in it and open your heart. It is said that even demons tremble at the name of Jesus. What awesome power. Ask Him into your heart today. He doesn't care how you come to Him, only that you're there.
Romans 3:23- "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
Call on Jesus, ask Him into your heart so that you to may have no worries. Whisper His name, "JESUS", feel the power in it and open your heart. It is said that even demons tremble at the name of Jesus. What awesome power. Ask Him into your heart today. He doesn't care how you come to Him, only that you're there.
Romans 3:23- "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Cancer Free
After a long four months, the results are in. . . I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!
Four weeks after my hysterectomy, my numbers have fallen from 8090 to less than 2!!!!! How awesome is that!!!! I just want to give thanks for the many prayers and unfailing support that I have received from not just family and friends, but also from my Lord and Saviour. Faith in God has been so instrumental in this journey that words can't describe what this cancer would have been like had I not been a Christian and part of a wonderful church family. There is always power in prayer and never has that been more evident for me than it has through out these last few months. Just recently, I asked for prayer in Life Studies for my poor little veins. With my veins blowing and the amount of scar tissue that has developed, I was worried about how I was going to get my chemo at my doctors appointment this past Tuesday. Prayers were answered in a very unexpected way when the doctor told me I wouldn't need any more chemo, period as long as my numbers stay less than 5 for the next year. Sends chills down your spine doesn't it.
The next few blogs will be few and far between as my journey is coming to a close. I'll do the last of my weekly blood tests next Tuesday and then I'm cleared until July 15 and once each month until September when I see the doctor again.
If anyone reading what has been written through out these posts has been diagnosed with a molar pregnancy and has questions, feel free to email me at angelalhayes@yahoo.com and definitely sign up for the free support group that is aimed personal for women affected by molar pregnancies- www.mymolarpregnancy.com. The more information and support you have, the better your chances are of defeating this cruel disease.
Many blessings to all.
Four weeks after my hysterectomy, my numbers have fallen from 8090 to less than 2!!!!! How awesome is that!!!! I just want to give thanks for the many prayers and unfailing support that I have received from not just family and friends, but also from my Lord and Saviour. Faith in God has been so instrumental in this journey that words can't describe what this cancer would have been like had I not been a Christian and part of a wonderful church family. There is always power in prayer and never has that been more evident for me than it has through out these last few months. Just recently, I asked for prayer in Life Studies for my poor little veins. With my veins blowing and the amount of scar tissue that has developed, I was worried about how I was going to get my chemo at my doctors appointment this past Tuesday. Prayers were answered in a very unexpected way when the doctor told me I wouldn't need any more chemo, period as long as my numbers stay less than 5 for the next year. Sends chills down your spine doesn't it.
The next few blogs will be few and far between as my journey is coming to a close. I'll do the last of my weekly blood tests next Tuesday and then I'm cleared until July 15 and once each month until September when I see the doctor again.
If anyone reading what has been written through out these posts has been diagnosed with a molar pregnancy and has questions, feel free to email me at angelalhayes@yahoo.com and definitely sign up for the free support group that is aimed personal for women affected by molar pregnancies- www.mymolarpregnancy.com. The more information and support you have, the better your chances are of defeating this cruel disease.
Many blessings to all.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Counting Down
The numbers are falling. Since the last draw at 98, my levels have fallen again to the low number of 12!!!!!! By next week, I should be normal- at 5 or less and I'll be cancer free!!!!!! There will still be the 2 rounds of chemo as a precaution, and blood work to keep track and make sure everything stays down, but it is such a relief to be near the end. All last week, I kept a critical watch on my body for signs that the numbers were increasing, not because I want to keep this cancer, but because I wanted to be able to prepare myself in the event that my numbers were higher. There was so much in my mind riding on these numbers being less than 98 that I didn't want to let perspective get away from me in a sense. I wanted to prepare myself as best I could so that I could handle it, something I haven't been doing as well since the surgery.
I was able to start driving again Monday and I'll be going to church for the first time in weeks and I am so looking forward to it. Being in my church home gives me comfort and peace that I can't find any where else. The people there bringing God's message are essential in the strong foundation of my strength, as are the ones I am blessed to call friend. I look forward to having my faith recharged and getting myself back into the mind set of overcoming this cancer instead of giving into it.
I was able to start driving again Monday and I'll be going to church for the first time in weeks and I am so looking forward to it. Being in my church home gives me comfort and peace that I can't find any where else. The people there bringing God's message are essential in the strong foundation of my strength, as are the ones I am blessed to call friend. I look forward to having my faith recharged and getting myself back into the mind set of overcoming this cancer instead of giving into it.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Pregnant with Rainbows
Earlier today I received a post from the lady in charge of the life-changing website for molar pregnancies with some informative and disturbing news. She was contacted by a relief worker from South American who spends most of her time in rural parts of Peru with a request for information and aid in Spanish about molar pregnancies. It is believed in these male dominated cultures that a molar pregnancy is "punishment" for a woman's immoral behavior. It is believed that when a woman travels alone (I would think without a male escort be it a family member or their husbands) that they are then impregnated with a tumor from a "rainbow" as punishment for their actions!!! These tumors are removed from the woman by way of ritualistic and holistic healing and then ostracized from their group/tribe for their so called "behavior".
How many women reading this right now are outraged? I know I am! But not only that, I am heartbroken and saddened for what these women go through. Right now, every one of us who live in a democratic and free society should be thanking our God and our troops for everything that has been done and will be done so that we are able to educate and inform ourselves and others in the face of something like this. As women, we should be thanking all those who came before us, going against society's standards to stand up for women's rights so that we women can be where we are today, a cultured and informed group of strong females whose minds are open to not only learning new things, but open to understanding if not accepting what those in other countries believe.
My heart and my prayers go out to this relief worker who is working behind the scenes to inform and educate these women with modern knowledge against a myth that has been ingrained in them for generations, so that these women don't have to feel like such a failure for something that was out of their control. If anyone out there reading this blog had access to any pamphlets, articles, books, etc. in Spanish on molar pregnancies that can be donated to help these women, please respond to the COMMENTS link below and leave your information so that I may contact you and in turn get this woman the help she so desperately needs. Not only is she working to change these women, she is working to change a cultures very beliefs about a "pregnancy by rainbows" and in doing so may very well be risking her life and well being. Please add this unnamed woman to your prayer list and pray that if it's Gods Will that her words will fall on open ears and open heart and that angels will keep her safe on her journey.
It's hard to understand that a myth about such beautiful peace offering from our God is believed to be responsible for one of the most gut wrenching, terrible tragedies of a woman's life, so let's do all that we can to change this misconception. With the power of prayer and the healing of God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
How many women reading this right now are outraged? I know I am! But not only that, I am heartbroken and saddened for what these women go through. Right now, every one of us who live in a democratic and free society should be thanking our God and our troops for everything that has been done and will be done so that we are able to educate and inform ourselves and others in the face of something like this. As women, we should be thanking all those who came before us, going against society's standards to stand up for women's rights so that we women can be where we are today, a cultured and informed group of strong females whose minds are open to not only learning new things, but open to understanding if not accepting what those in other countries believe.
My heart and my prayers go out to this relief worker who is working behind the scenes to inform and educate these women with modern knowledge against a myth that has been ingrained in them for generations, so that these women don't have to feel like such a failure for something that was out of their control. If anyone out there reading this blog had access to any pamphlets, articles, books, etc. in Spanish on molar pregnancies that can be donated to help these women, please respond to the COMMENTS link below and leave your information so that I may contact you and in turn get this woman the help she so desperately needs. Not only is she working to change these women, she is working to change a cultures very beliefs about a "pregnancy by rainbows" and in doing so may very well be risking her life and well being. Please add this unnamed woman to your prayer list and pray that if it's Gods Will that her words will fall on open ears and open heart and that angels will keep her safe on her journey.
It's hard to understand that a myth about such beautiful peace offering from our God is believed to be responsible for one of the most gut wrenching, terrible tragedies of a woman's life, so let's do all that we can to change this misconception. With the power of prayer and the healing of God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Some Great News
The days have been pretty calm and steady since my last post a few days ago. I'm healing well and the pain is minimal to non-existent. I'm getting around good and trying not to over do like the doctor ordered.
I went in Monday for my first post-op hcG level since the last one drawn on May 9, 2008. What a difference surgery and 10 days make. My levels are DOWN from 8090 to 98!!!! That's it, plain Ole' two digit 98!!!!!! Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!! Go ahead and cry and shout with me, how awesome is Our God. This is the first time since I found out I was pregnant in November that my levels
have been in the double digits. I've still got to get to 5 and stay there for a year to be considered cured, but I'll take the 98!!!!!!!
I'll go back and see the doctor on June 11 and I should start the first of the last two chemo treatments just in case there's anything floating around in there that shouldn't be, but the chance of malignancies are small since the tumor didn't cross through the uterine lining and was kept contained. Let me here another , AMEN!!!!!!!
We all know God has His own time and His own plan, but it's just a little sweeter when His time mixes with ours!!!!!!
Thank you for all the prayers, well wishes, phone calls, cards, and meals that you've sent my way. It's taken a close to 6 months and a lot of lost blood to get us where we are, but it was 100 percent, totally worth it. And if I had too, knowing how much my God loves me and has blessed me through this journey, I do it again. My faith was strong, but it's become stronger. I'm grateful for each yell and scream the kids through at each other through out the day more than I was before. I've found that my patience level has increase and I'm not yelling as much these days. Whether it's from the stitches running approximately 7 inches across my lower abdomen or the fact that I don't see much use in it, I can't decide. But it sure does sound good.
Until next week, keep the prayers coming and thank God before you go to bed at night, He sure is good.
I went in Monday for my first post-op hcG level since the last one drawn on May 9, 2008. What a difference surgery and 10 days make. My levels are DOWN from 8090 to 98!!!! That's it, plain Ole' two digit 98!!!!!! Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!!!! Go ahead and cry and shout with me, how awesome is Our God. This is the first time since I found out I was pregnant in November that my levels
have been in the double digits. I've still got to get to 5 and stay there for a year to be considered cured, but I'll take the 98!!!!!!!
I'll go back and see the doctor on June 11 and I should start the first of the last two chemo treatments just in case there's anything floating around in there that shouldn't be, but the chance of malignancies are small since the tumor didn't cross through the uterine lining and was kept contained. Let me here another , AMEN!!!!!!!
We all know God has His own time and His own plan, but it's just a little sweeter when His time mixes with ours!!!!!!
Thank you for all the prayers, well wishes, phone calls, cards, and meals that you've sent my way. It's taken a close to 6 months and a lot of lost blood to get us where we are, but it was 100 percent, totally worth it. And if I had too, knowing how much my God loves me and has blessed me through this journey, I do it again. My faith was strong, but it's become stronger. I'm grateful for each yell and scream the kids through at each other through out the day more than I was before. I've found that my patience level has increase and I'm not yelling as much these days. Whether it's from the stitches running approximately 7 inches across my lower abdomen or the fact that I don't see much use in it, I can't decide. But it sure does sound good.
Until next week, keep the prayers coming and thank God before you go to bed at night, He sure is good.
Friday, May 16, 2008
An Ode to Hair
I had a few silly moments this morning, I thought I'd post for everyone to enjoy. I think the biggest misconception about cancer is that you will lose all your hair, not true. There are many cancer patients who never lose a strand, or have just a slight thinning. But, there are those of us who experience a more than slight thinning and are driven crazy because we still have enough hair for two people. I am one of those people. Every day I think about shaving my head, to get ahead of the total loss that I expect to happen and never does. Count me lucky or blessed, but despite the shots, the IV treatments, and the surgery, I still don't fully feel like I've got cancer. Unbelievable but true. And as the Friday following my surgery dawns, I find myself in a new kind of war, to shave or not to shave. Besides the dull nagging pain that hovers just below the edge of needing to take a pain pill, I fight minute by minute in what I've come to call . . .
The Battle of Lost Hair!!!
Through out my time in the hospital, one thing besides the bleeding had come to bug me, the never ending picking of hair. Hair on the bedsheets, hair on my gown, hair on my pillow, and even hair caught in the sticky residue left behind from the removal of leads and tape. Running my hands through my hair and coming away with no less than 3-5 strands at a time, each time, and having to clean the brush head after each use is becoming annoying. As is finding my pony tail feeling smaller and smaller, yet looking in the mirror and not being able to see any spot or patches for the now vacated hair. Visions of shaving my head torment me from minute to minute, not because I'm scared of losing my hair but because I'm just tired of picking it like lint!!!! As I sit here thinking about my thinning situation, I find myself in a bit of a hairy mess and trying to put a positive spin on it. Something funny and humorous to keep me from pulling the rest of it out and hence, my. . . . . . .
The Battle of Lost Hair!!!
Through out my time in the hospital, one thing besides the bleeding had come to bug me, the never ending picking of hair. Hair on the bedsheets, hair on my gown, hair on my pillow, and even hair caught in the sticky residue left behind from the removal of leads and tape. Running my hands through my hair and coming away with no less than 3-5 strands at a time, each time, and having to clean the brush head after each use is becoming annoying. As is finding my pony tail feeling smaller and smaller, yet looking in the mirror and not being able to see any spot or patches for the now vacated hair. Visions of shaving my head torment me from minute to minute, not because I'm scared of losing my hair but because I'm just tired of picking it like lint!!!! As I sit here thinking about my thinning situation, I find myself in a bit of a hairy mess and trying to put a positive spin on it. Something funny and humorous to keep me from pulling the rest of it out and hence, my. . . . . . .
ODE TO HAIR
Wavy, curly, straight or brown,
watch a strand fall to the ground.
Red or blond or maybe black,
when it's gone it grows right back.
Pick a strand here and there,
yet I still have much to spare.
Hair that comes and hair that goes,
when it leaves no one knows.
I fight the war to shave it bald,
to see it gone and stand enthralled.
A sight of baldness, crisp and clean,
to watch is take a special sheen.
Yet I'm in a place that's in between,
a bald head yet has not been seen.
A crowning glory worn up or down,
and yet another strand falls to the ground.
Mix of brown and of gray,
yet my gray is here to stay.
With all the brown falling down,
on my face you see a frown.
One strand here, one strand there,
one quick shave, I CAN be bare.
I'm told not yet, just wait and see,
you have plenty of hair for you and for me.
And there you have my ode to hair. Hope you all enjoy a little bit of silliness and a look into the trials and tribulation of Gestational Trophoblastic Disease.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
A Scary Situation
It was a scary situation, but one we had planned for. . . I had started passing clots. The chance of an extreme hemorrhage, not far behind.
On Thursday, I had began to bleed slightly and continuing as usual, went about my business. I notified by chemo nurse Kelly and was told slight bleeding was fine, anything other than that was not. Everything was fine until Saturday, I had been cleaning house like crazy (a very big chore for me) trying to get ready by Sunday for Monday's surgery. I must have over done it, though I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, which did include, moving a few pieces of furniture around. Around 12:30 that afternoon, I felt something wasn't right and as I went into check, I was surprised to see I was passing a clot that as gross as it sounds resembled a bloody slug. It was approximately 1 inch by 5 inches and not a pretty sight. Knowing things could go bad quickly, I called Terry at work, told him I thought I was hemorrhaging and then called for the ambulance, as I felt more blood filling my pad.
Long story short, we made it to the ER and the bleeding while scary and unrelenting, wasn't life threatening, although an exam by the the on call attending for my doctor's group sent me to tears there was so much pain. Five hours later, I was put in the room I would stay in for the next few days. The plan was that they would monitor my blood levels, give me blood if needed, and continue with the surgery as planned on Monday. Luckily, I wouldn't need any blood and as God had His hand on me, my blood levels remained stable the entire time.
Sunday too was pretty eventful as that day was the day I had to prep for surgery. I'll skip all the gory details and leave you all with this. . . MAGNESIUM CITRATE . . . should be outlawed, it ranks right up there with the CT scan Contrast. Totally nasty. Yuuuuuck!!!!!!
On Thursday, I had began to bleed slightly and continuing as usual, went about my business. I notified by chemo nurse Kelly and was told slight bleeding was fine, anything other than that was not. Everything was fine until Saturday, I had been cleaning house like crazy (a very big chore for me) trying to get ready by Sunday for Monday's surgery. I must have over done it, though I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, which did include, moving a few pieces of furniture around. Around 12:30 that afternoon, I felt something wasn't right and as I went into check, I was surprised to see I was passing a clot that as gross as it sounds resembled a bloody slug. It was approximately 1 inch by 5 inches and not a pretty sight. Knowing things could go bad quickly, I called Terry at work, told him I thought I was hemorrhaging and then called for the ambulance, as I felt more blood filling my pad.
Long story short, we made it to the ER and the bleeding while scary and unrelenting, wasn't life threatening, although an exam by the the on call attending for my doctor's group sent me to tears there was so much pain. Five hours later, I was put in the room I would stay in for the next few days. The plan was that they would monitor my blood levels, give me blood if needed, and continue with the surgery as planned on Monday. Luckily, I wouldn't need any blood and as God had His hand on me, my blood levels remained stable the entire time.
Sunday too was pretty eventful as that day was the day I had to prep for surgery. I'll skip all the gory details and leave you all with this. . . MAGNESIUM CITRATE . . . should be outlawed, it ranks right up there with the CT scan Contrast. Totally nasty. Yuuuuuck!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Set The Date
After meeting with the doctor yesterday, who once again confirmed my numbers had risen slightly from 6390 to 7022, we went ahead and set the date for the hysterectomy. It'll take place at UAB, Monday, May 12, 2008 around 8 in the morning. Because of the tumor like condition of the cancer and the fact that cancer cell fluid may be present in the tumor, the doctor will preform the hysterectomy by hand instead of by laparoscope which will enable him to make sure the tumor doesn't break or leak into my blood stream. Due to the type of incision needed, I be in the hospital roughly until Thursday afternoon. The hysterectomy is only scheduled to be a partial, unless my ovaries don't look so hot. If it happens that I need a full then I'll be started on hormone replacement right away. Terry is very thankful for this!
The next few posts will be once again few and far between as the healing process will take some time. I'll receive a few more chemo treatments in approximately 2-4 weeks and after that, I should be cancer free. I'll continue to have my levels checked for an entire year and every year when I have my yearly to keep an eye on my hcG levels. I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Thank you to all of you who have been reading through this tough time with me. I never would have made it through without the best church family in the entire world, a loving family, and truly remarkable friends. Here's to God's Will, coming to understand it, and embracing it.
Many blessings, love to all, and I'll write to you soon.
The next few posts will be once again few and far between as the healing process will take some time. I'll receive a few more chemo treatments in approximately 2-4 weeks and after that, I should be cancer free. I'll continue to have my levels checked for an entire year and every year when I have my yearly to keep an eye on my hcG levels. I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Thank you to all of you who have been reading through this tough time with me. I never would have made it through without the best church family in the entire world, a loving family, and truly remarkable friends. Here's to God's Will, coming to understand it, and embracing it.
Many blessings, love to all, and I'll write to you soon.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
What's Been Happening
There's been a lot going on these past few days and I haven't' had the chance to post anything. Here's what's been happening. We changed to IV treatments on April 15 and it's a good thing, my numbers had increased from 2909 to 4285 and the drawing the following week also showed an increase from 4285 to 6390. I've had to decide between taking an more intensive round of chemo that will require hospitalization or a hysterectomy. Terry and I decided the hysterectomy would be best for me and our family. With a disease that could regrow up to 3 years later, it will bring peace of mind knowing the "host" of the disease is gone and I won't have to worry in the future. A hysterectomy is a huge step, but one I believe God wants me to take. Like I posted earlier, I still believe that if God chooses to put a child in our life for us to bring into our family He will. Despite the fact I may not be able to carry another child in my body, there are other ways to add to our family if it's God's will. If not, we'll do our best to raise the ones we have right and give them everything we can.
Due to the second increase in numbers, it was important to rule out an metastasises and on Thursday, May 1 I underwent a CT scan of my brain, chest, abdomen, and pelvis. Friday I got the all clear, the cancer has not spread beyond my abnormal uterus. The results from these tests were the answers to many prayers and I want to thank anyone and everyone who may have thought about me during this time and murmured a few words that were sent directly from your lips to Gods ears. Our God is truly wonderful and even if the results had come back far more different, I would still praise our God, all it would mean was that I had more to experience in my walk with Him so that I could be able to help others in a better way.
I want to give a big thank you to a few special women from my church family who took the time to come and give me a manicure and pedicure that made me feel loved and pampered. I had been looking forward to it all week and it didn't disappoint. I hope that one day I'll be able to return the blessing for someone else in need. It was truly the work of God that brought those women to my house Friday. I was able to share my joy at the results from my scan, but I know that had the results been different, those ladies would have been there to cry with me and to cheer me up as only the bond of Christian sisterhood can.
I've got another weekly blood draw this Monday and I see my doctor Tuesday just before my second treatment. I'm hoping to set a date for my hysterectomy and take another step closer to being able to say I am cancer free.
Due to the second increase in numbers, it was important to rule out an metastasises and on Thursday, May 1 I underwent a CT scan of my brain, chest, abdomen, and pelvis. Friday I got the all clear, the cancer has not spread beyond my abnormal uterus. The results from these tests were the answers to many prayers and I want to thank anyone and everyone who may have thought about me during this time and murmured a few words that were sent directly from your lips to Gods ears. Our God is truly wonderful and even if the results had come back far more different, I would still praise our God, all it would mean was that I had more to experience in my walk with Him so that I could be able to help others in a better way.
I want to give a big thank you to a few special women from my church family who took the time to come and give me a manicure and pedicure that made me feel loved and pampered. I had been looking forward to it all week and it didn't disappoint. I hope that one day I'll be able to return the blessing for someone else in need. It was truly the work of God that brought those women to my house Friday. I was able to share my joy at the results from my scan, but I know that had the results been different, those ladies would have been there to cry with me and to cheer me up as only the bond of Christian sisterhood can.
I've got another weekly blood draw this Monday and I see my doctor Tuesday just before my second treatment. I'm hoping to set a date for my hysterectomy and take another step closer to being able to say I am cancer free.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Our God Is Awesome
God has been speaking to me this morning and yesterday and I need to take this time to share with you the wonders of our Lord and Saviour. This is a copy of the email I sent out to church family and friends just minutes ago.
I just wanted to take a few minutes and encourage everyone today and tell you, NEVER doubt the way God works, He is all powerful, all inspiring, and way cool. Yesterday and today I've been can tell you with 100% filled to bursting faith that our God is a force to be reckoned with. I don't know the results yet from my latest blood work, but I can tell you the results from my last prayer request. With just a few words spoken to our Lord for me by family and friends, God showed up and showed out by giving me comfort, peace, and total understanding with my decision to have a hysterectomy. I felt God yesterday in a way that I'd I hadn't felt in a few weeks. The devil throw in a little doubt and it was squashed like a bug yesterday.
Please don't give up on your faith if things don't go your way, remember that God's way although hard to understand is the best way.
Many blessings on this wonderful day,
Angela
Every bit of what I wrote is true. Yesterday as I was typing the blog post, God spoke to me and gave me idea I typed yesterday, He gave me total, 100% complete, understanding, comfort, peace, and hope that He is leading me down the best path for me and my family. I have been able to view my impending hysterectomy with new eyes and an open heart and to be honest, I kind of looking forward to it now. When I see the doctor a week from tomorrow, I be setting up the hysterectomy for the second week of June and if everything goes as planned, I'll only need a total of 4 more treatments. And if everything doesn't go as planned, well we'll just go with the flow. God is the one running this show. Ahha, that rhymed!!!! Somewhat!
I am able to tell you know that with a happy heart and soul, I'm going to be fine, everything is going to work out. I'm making plans to build a new house, to see my son start kindergarten this August, and to see my half sister when she arrives around the same time. I may never have a child, I may never adopt, but I will certainly have a new baby to spoil in ways I can't spoil my own and I'm looking forward to every minute of it. There's something to be said for a 25 year age difference and NONE of it is bad!!!
Like I said earlier, many blessings on this dreary, rainy, but wonderfully beautiful day.
I just wanted to take a few minutes and encourage everyone today and tell you, NEVER doubt the way God works, He is all powerful, all inspiring, and way cool. Yesterday and today I've been can tell you with 100% filled to bursting faith that our God is a force to be reckoned with. I don't know the results yet from my latest blood work, but I can tell you the results from my last prayer request. With just a few words spoken to our Lord for me by family and friends, God showed up and showed out by giving me comfort, peace, and total understanding with my decision to have a hysterectomy. I felt God yesterday in a way that I'd I hadn't felt in a few weeks. The devil throw in a little doubt and it was squashed like a bug yesterday.
Please don't give up on your faith if things don't go your way, remember that God's way although hard to understand is the best way.
Many blessings on this wonderful day,
Angela
Every bit of what I wrote is true. Yesterday as I was typing the blog post, God spoke to me and gave me idea I typed yesterday, He gave me total, 100% complete, understanding, comfort, peace, and hope that He is leading me down the best path for me and my family. I have been able to view my impending hysterectomy with new eyes and an open heart and to be honest, I kind of looking forward to it now. When I see the doctor a week from tomorrow, I be setting up the hysterectomy for the second week of June and if everything goes as planned, I'll only need a total of 4 more treatments. And if everything doesn't go as planned, well we'll just go with the flow. God is the one running this show. Ahha, that rhymed!!!! Somewhat!
I am able to tell you know that with a happy heart and soul, I'm going to be fine, everything is going to work out. I'm making plans to build a new house, to see my son start kindergarten this August, and to see my half sister when she arrives around the same time. I may never have a child, I may never adopt, but I will certainly have a new baby to spoil in ways I can't spoil my own and I'm looking forward to every minute of it. There's something to be said for a 25 year age difference and NONE of it is bad!!!
Like I said earlier, many blessings on this dreary, rainy, but wonderfully beautiful day.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
FYI
For those of you who like me where thrown for a loop this past week while reading my blog and are now considering yourself spelling challenged, I've found the answer we've been looking for. Thanks to a dear loving friend, I was laughingly informed that the spittle pooling onto my pillow the other night is spelled d-r-o-o-l. Aaaahhhh, let's all take a moment and slap our selves in the head while saying "DUH!" out loud!!!
"DUH!" (slap). For those of you not participating, don't judge us, you just happen to have a better spell checker than we do!!
Spelling challenge conquered, let's move on. Just hours after writing my blog the other day- here's a God moment- the doctor called to see how I was doing and during the course of the call we discussed our options if this new treatment doesn't work. I was given two choices -1- a hysterectomy that will be followed by a few more chemo treatments, or -2- more intensive chemo that will result in a hospital stay, that will most assuredly make me bald and beautiful and sick as a tee total dog. Not quite and easy choice, but knowing that sometimes the best decision is the hardest, Terry and I have opted for the hysterectomy. It took me a couple bouts of crying and a little time to come to a complete understanding and acceptance that I may never give birth to another child again. During this time, I receive a wonderful piece of advice from my new friend who sent me my cherished pin, she wrote, Angela don't forget God is a miracle worker and he can drop your levels to 5 with one treatment if it's in His plan. So true, God can do whatever He wants and if it's in His plan to cure me without surgery, He'll do it, I have no doubt about it. Yet, that intuition that hasn't been wrong yet through this whole thing is telling me that I'll be undergoing a hysterectomy within the next month or so.
But I've also come to the realization that I'm not looking at the reason for my hysterectomy the right way. I wrote earlier that I wish it didn't have to end like this- with a miscarriage as the last thing my uterus did. I realize that thinking that way is wrong, the last thing my uterus did was to hold the baby that I wanted so bad in a way my arms couldn't. It was the only part of my body that was physically in contact with my baby and how powerful is that. I now look at the possibility of the impending hysterectomy with a new set of eyes, how thankful I am to have it removed, not only to keep me alive, but to keep my sanity alive. What if after going through chemo, I could never conceive again? Or what if I could conceive but never carry to term? Or heaven forbid, I deliver a baby that would never draw breath, would die days or months or years later? How much pain and suffering both physical and mental is going to be avoided by a simple procedure that's preformed everyday. When you look at all the what-ifs that could be lingering in the future caused by a wrong choice, how can you not embrace the hardest most selfish choice possible? Because that's what it is to me, a selfish choice- I really want more babies, I loved everything about being pregnant, I loved breast feeding, and holding that little body close to mine, but what amount of selfishness on my part puts the future of my family in the air for something God's already blessed my with twice. Looking at it this way, this is one of the most selfless acts, I will be able to do for my family, but at the same time selfish in itself because I know I want to be here to do what God has planned for me to do on this Earth, and to one day hold the children my children will bear. And if God has it planned to throw in a little bundle of joy along the way, well, that will just be icing on the very sweet cake we call . . . LIFE.
"DUH!" (slap). For those of you not participating, don't judge us, you just happen to have a better spell checker than we do!!
Spelling challenge conquered, let's move on. Just hours after writing my blog the other day- here's a God moment- the doctor called to see how I was doing and during the course of the call we discussed our options if this new treatment doesn't work. I was given two choices -1- a hysterectomy that will be followed by a few more chemo treatments, or -2- more intensive chemo that will result in a hospital stay, that will most assuredly make me bald and beautiful and sick as a tee total dog. Not quite and easy choice, but knowing that sometimes the best decision is the hardest, Terry and I have opted for the hysterectomy. It took me a couple bouts of crying and a little time to come to a complete understanding and acceptance that I may never give birth to another child again. During this time, I receive a wonderful piece of advice from my new friend who sent me my cherished pin, she wrote, Angela don't forget God is a miracle worker and he can drop your levels to 5 with one treatment if it's in His plan. So true, God can do whatever He wants and if it's in His plan to cure me without surgery, He'll do it, I have no doubt about it. Yet, that intuition that hasn't been wrong yet through this whole thing is telling me that I'll be undergoing a hysterectomy within the next month or so.
But I've also come to the realization that I'm not looking at the reason for my hysterectomy the right way. I wrote earlier that I wish it didn't have to end like this- with a miscarriage as the last thing my uterus did. I realize that thinking that way is wrong, the last thing my uterus did was to hold the baby that I wanted so bad in a way my arms couldn't. It was the only part of my body that was physically in contact with my baby and how powerful is that. I now look at the possibility of the impending hysterectomy with a new set of eyes, how thankful I am to have it removed, not only to keep me alive, but to keep my sanity alive. What if after going through chemo, I could never conceive again? Or what if I could conceive but never carry to term? Or heaven forbid, I deliver a baby that would never draw breath, would die days or months or years later? How much pain and suffering both physical and mental is going to be avoided by a simple procedure that's preformed everyday. When you look at all the what-ifs that could be lingering in the future caused by a wrong choice, how can you not embrace the hardest most selfish choice possible? Because that's what it is to me, a selfish choice- I really want more babies, I loved everything about being pregnant, I loved breast feeding, and holding that little body close to mine, but what amount of selfishness on my part puts the future of my family in the air for something God's already blessed my with twice. Looking at it this way, this is one of the most selfless acts, I will be able to do for my family, but at the same time selfish in itself because I know I want to be here to do what God has planned for me to do on this Earth, and to one day hold the children my children will bear. And if God has it planned to throw in a little bundle of joy along the way, well, that will just be icing on the very sweet cake we call . . . LIFE.
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